Shuffle
by Kipper Snack
Summary: This is one of them collections of stuff - like Scramble, PLAYGROUND, all of that; short stories about Neku and company and their many adventures. Rated for safety precautions. Nehh.
1. Title and Contents

**SHUFFLE**

**A SHORT STORY COLLECTION PLACE FOR SHORT STORIES**

Hello, world of TWEWY fanfic! It is I, Kipper Snack! I have seen a bunch of high upstanding members of the community publish "drabble" collections. So, I figured I'd do the same. Meh, why not? So here it is - SHUFFLE!

I named it Shuffle because of music players. You set them to shuffle, and they dredge up randomly-selected pieces of music. This'll be a similar thing - no set genre or mood or characters or whatever. Expect a lot of lighthearted material, because I like that and it's fun to write...but other than that, there will be no constants. This is a collection of short stories that couldn't stand alone as oneshots and are far too long for drabbles.

Well, there you have it.

Enjoy! And may you stroke the furs of many chinchillas!

~Kipper Snack

**1. TITLE THING** (you are here)

**2. THE WHOLE SWEATING THING** - in which Neku and Joshua are hot guys

**3. SHIKI JUST LOST THE GAME** - in which Shiki and the reader have lost the game in multiple ways


	2. The Whole Sweating Thing

_**THE WHOLE SWEATING THING**_

In which Neku and Joshua are hot guys.

* * *

It was hot outside.

Not that Neku cared. You couldn't feel the weather in the Underground. He learned this only recently, he was sorry to say – yesterday, there had been a light drizzle – but who could blame him? Last week, he had been much more focused on fighting for his life, er, existence, or whatever, and keeping Shiki's clumsy butt from sitting on Noise sigils. He had been busy, keeping_ both_ their asses out of Noise sigils, which sometimes looked like chairs. No, Neku Sakuraba was not worried about the weather.

However, this week was different. As the things that were new to him last week became routine, Neku began to pick up on things he hadn't noticed before. For example – the wind. It could blow Realgrounders' hats away, and not a hair of his would stir. He noticed why he didn't take damage from his own flames – they gave off no heat, at least not that he could feel.

And Neku had decided that the temperature held no sway in the plane of the dead, either. Today, the denizens of the RG were stumping around in tank-tops and hotpants and STILL slick with sweat, Neku could have been judo-chopping Noise in a hundred degrees below typical Yukon temperatures and it would have felt the same to him.

Some people were not so lucky.

Neku tapped his foot impatiently. Good grief, that kid was slower than...well, you name it. He would have lost to a dead snail and a sealed jar of molasses in a foot race. Why, the erosion rate on the moon could probably run _laps_ around Yoshiya "mommy-calls-me-Joshua-giggle-i-just-crapped-myself" Kiryu. While suffocating in its sleep.

Just now, he saw the little pale-haired boy come cresting over the hill, gasping and stumbling. He was clutching at a stitch in his ribs and leaning against the wall for support, staggering along like an asthmatic drunk that had just downed four margaritas and a triathlon. Neku almost felt a twinge of pity for the boy, but – see here now, Neku – Joshua was an insufferable prick. Neku couldn't resist grinning when Joshua's knees gave out and he collapsed.

Five minutes later, however, Joshua hadn't twitched, and Neku began to have thoughts that bordered on concerned. Not for Joshua, heavens no – but if that fatty didn't get up soon, the poor sidewalk might get a stain. Neku cared more for that particular chunk of concrete than his partner, so out of the goodness of his unbeating heart, Neku ran up to Joshua's prostrate form and made to kick him off.

"Ack! Neku!" Joshua managed to do a barrel-roll and dodged the attack. "I'm getting up, I'm getting up, don't get your knickers in a knot..."

"Nice, StarFox, but you're still a big-time failure," Neku snapped. "As of now, you are going on a diet. No more of that greasy salt ramen for you, mister! From now on, all you're getting is vitamins! Speed-boosting vitamins!"

Joshua did that funny gasp thing he did whenever he was pissed by surprise. _Ach-huuuh!_ "Neku Sakuraba, you _wouldn't!_"

"Try me." Any day. Any time. I'll pummel your guts until every last particle of salty noodle crap has evacuated the premises. And then, oh, let the protein shakes fall like rain.

"Oh, Neku..." Joshua moaned and pushed himself to his feet, only slightly slower than an arthritic giant tortoise in doing so. "You, Neku, will be the death of me."

Joshua was hardly the athletic type. He was built stockier than Neku was, yes, but he was about half as muscular and twice as soft-looking. His face still had that childish, cherubic look about it due to unshed baby fat in his cheeks, framed by fluffy, cloud-colored curls. He looked like the kind of kid who sat around in his house all day, drawing bad hentai doujins for Samurai Pizza Cats since he wasn't allowed to watch "mature" anime like, say, Pokemon. The kind of kid who had no friends. The kind of kid who learned self-defense from a hiptionary. In other words – totally gay. Why, when he had first introduced himself, Neku could've sworn he heard "Hel-lo~! My name is Leeron, but Mother and Father call me Ron. I suppose you can call me Ron, too – or Beautiful Queen, if you like, seeing as how you're the one whose drill will pierce my heavens~! (suggestive giggle)"

Neku was not pleased.

"Quit staring at me, Nekkun," Joshua mumbled, shifting from foot to foot. He ran his hands through his ambiguously-colored hair, lifting it up and kind of flipping it. Shibuya was so friggin' hot today, and Joshua hated it. Hated it. The poor kid could feel the pores on his back vomiting out rivers of saltwater that trickled down the small of his back in slimy trails like slugs, and his sleeves were sticking to his armpits. His hair – his lovely, fluffy hair – was clinging damply to his scalp in places, for God's sake. It was disgusting.

He was used to being in his true form – the radiant demigod surrounded by a swirling column of dust motes. It was very clean, very low-maintenance. You didn't have to always be swiping deodorant under your arms if you were composed of only light, dust, ashes and Soul. But you can't just bebop around Shibuya like that and expect the enemy not to notice; so Joshua had gone stealth mode and tuned into the RG. The ashes and dust motes had condensed into the beautiful masterpiece of a human that stood before Neku now, complete with human bodily functions. Go figure.

Now, it wasn't just for cosmetic reasons that Joshua hated sweating. Number one; dead people tend to not sweat. Number two; with the Proxy inches away and staring holes in his face, it was only a matter of time before he noticed the dampness that accumulated on Josh's skin. And number three; it was GROSS. Sure, it cooled you off, but only in the most nauseating way possible. Why didn't the Creator stick A/C knobs in people's asses instead? Good granny...

But for the time being, all Joshua could do was air out his hair and hope that his dear, temperate, climate-controlled Proxy didn't notice the twin Niagra Falls spilling down Joshua's calves and being sucked up thirstily by his jeans. It was hellishly hot today.

* * *

A/N: This is so zetta short. I thought it was funny, though... I was planning to add more, but...I can't remember what I was going to put. Hm.

ARBITRARY TTGL REFRENCE! If you don't watch that show...ahem...well, go to Tvtropes and look up 'camp gay' and you can probably get the joke. (Even though I think Joshua would be Nia in a crossover. Because, uh...Nia? Near? Hello-o?)

What I notice with Josh/Neku fics (not that I, uh, _read _them...*shifty eyes*) is that they start gettin' it on in the middle of the underground. NOT SO. If you'll kindly turn to like, the second sentence of the first secret report (or something) you'll find that Joshua was in the RG the whooooole time. So they could not even touch each other, let alone sex it up. Blleerrrgh.

Man, I hate Josh/Neku. DEEP PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP FTW.


	3. Shiki Just Lost the Game

_**SHIKI LOST THE GAME (son of a-)**_

In which Shiki (and also the reader) has just lost the game.

* * *

"The points have been tallied, and the player to be reborn decided."

I was seriously pissed right now. "But that's NOT FAIR! Why do you think – oh, screw it, we ALL want to come back to life!" I stomped my – Eri's – foot and ground the heel into the pretty sparkly shit that was the floor. This wasn't right, this wasn't fair. Eternal holy judgment is supposed to be fair.

"Be that as it may..." the man drawled, smirking like he knew what he was doing. "This was decided by the Composer Himself. Your wishes don't mean a damn." He lifted his hand in a sort of dramatic point that involved all five fingers.

_Well, we all know whose bitch_ you _are_, I thought to myself savagely, biting my – Eri's – lip. God, this wasn't fair.

"The player to be returned to life this round is..." the Conductor or whatever said with a hint of sarcastic announcer in his voice, still holding his hand out in front of him and looking like he was faking some kind of trance. "Neku Sakuraba."

"...Neku!" Well, that threw me for a loop.

The poor guy got it worse though. You could practically see the exclamation point fly out of his head. At any other point in time, it would have been adorable. "Wha...! Me...?"

Now that I thought about it though, it was obvious. Neku was an asocial ice princess, but he had single-handedly solved most of the riddley crap they gave us. He caught on to the whole 'wall' concept when I was still charging into them like I expected Eri's anorexic body to plow right on through, noooo problem. Neku was also a psych genius. He was a brilliant fighter – he figured out, not only how to coax the magical powers out of the stupid things, but how to _layer_ his psychs for maximum effect. Watching him fight was like poetry, or music, the way he would just rip out a 73-hit combo without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, guess who was just button-mashing to the right?

All the anger and injustice I had before went out of me with a whoosh. _Painfully _obvious.

Neku looked as if Christmas had come early and he had just walked in on his mom wrapping his presents. "B-But, why? Why me? I'm...I just..."

"Neku..." I said softly. "You...you deserve it."

"You don't understand, Sta...Shiki. I...I don't even know how I died..." He tried to look me in the eye, and his voice just broke. "I don't know if I have anything to go back to..."

"Oh," I said, clever as ever. "Um. Well."

"...rrgh! Let me play it again, you bastard!" Neku whipped around, shaking his fist. There was fire in his icy eyes – all natural blues, he had told me. His hair was not so much. – and a sort of frenzied determination took over his face.

The pale, greasy-haired guy at the other end of the room tipped his head and curled his lip coldly, gesticulating somewhat. "Composer says no."

"WELL, NEKU SAYS YES."

"Composer says no."

"NEKU SAYS YES."

"Composer says no -"

"You know what SHIKI says?" I exploded suddenly. "SHIKI says that the Composer has a crush on Neku, and just wants to collect him to fulfill His morbid, lustful, bondage-discipline-dominant-submissive-sadistic-masochistic fantasies!"

The Conductor guy looked pissed. "No," he said flatly.

"And SHIKI also says..." I borrowed the dramatic five-finger point. "...that YOU are JEALOUS!"

Neku took it and ran with it. "Absolutely. Absolutely. Shiki speaks the truth. But I think that Shiki doesn't have the whole story just yet...AHEM."

He assumed battle position. "NEKU says that, if I play again, the Composer will appear and make me His bitch! He will drag me around Shibuya and gleefully utilize any moments of 'free time' to reenact awful smutty fan fiction! And YOU..." Dramatic five-finger point! "...ARE JEALOUS! You WISH you were in my place! You WISH He was watching YOUR behind! YOU DEPRAVED SICKO!

"FURTHERMORE!" Neku shouted, wagging his finger like a prosecutor. "I have a nagging suspicion that you asked said Composer out before this stupid game! Tsk, tsk, Megumi Kitaniji! And now he thinks all of Shibuya is FUBAR because of it, so he's going to nuke this shithole with GREAT JUSTICE! And this whole goddamn setup is a freaking GAMBIT to see if you can win his heart back before he EXPLODES YOUR HEAD!"

A very dramatic pause followed this, in which Neku allowed his words to sink in.

The Conductor – Megumi – looked like he was ready to bust some heads. He was also blushing. "Nnnngh, no, that's not it at all-"

Neku was livid; he was breathing hard and hoarse from shouting, but he was certainly not done yet. "The only reason you're keeping me from playing the Game again is so that you can screw with your beloved Composer, only mentally!" And now, the coup de grace – "Well, I'm having none of it! I am NOT your toy! So stick THAT in your juice box and SUCK IT! ...BITCH!"

Mr. Mew and I promptly broke into applause. "Bravo!" Neku bowed and grinned stupidly.

Megumi had just been shaked and baked and was clearly pissed about it. He knotted his brow until it wouldn't go any tighter, and then spat, "I am...shocked, to say the least. Stunned. Appalled. Completely and utterly..." he groped around for a word. "...flabbergasted, you could say. That was just...nnngh. HOWEVER." He lifted his hand again and went back into fakey-trance mode. "You are NOT playing the game again-"

"AHA! I smell suppressed sexuality!" Pft, Neku. He was shaking his fist.

"...Honestly, I have no idea where the Composer is, you asshole, only that you are NOT his proxy, although he is probably wishing you were right now, and he is DEFINITELY going to catch wind of this, and if He gets his hands on the tapes, so help me, I am going to face the Music. So begone with you, I have security cameras to burn." And on that note, the Conductor waggled his fingers and Neku started sparkling.

"AGH! What did you do to me, dude?" Neku cried out. "I don't want to catch your gay!" Suddenly, as though his feet had been kicked out from under him, Neku fell over – but he didn't hit the ground, no, he was sucked skyward. Violently. He started panicking, kicking his long legs and grabbing for me. "Sh...SHIKI! HELP!"

"Neku!" I reached out for his hand with every intention of yanking him back to my side, but there was a flash of brilliant light and he was...gone.

Just like that.

"No..." I whispered, disbelieving. "No..!"

"That'll show him," snarled the Conductor. "I was going to do it nicely, but I think he got what he deserved, don't you?" He seemed to regain his bedside manner and straightened up, chuckling. "As for you, Miss Shiki Misaki..."

"Hmph. Whatever. I'll play your Game again," I said quietly, bitterly. Neku...without Neku, suddenly I felt...halved. Unbalanced. Unequal. Unwhole. Where was Neku's angsty awesomeness when I needed it?

"Excellent. Now..."

* * *

A/N: Neku is channeling Miles Edgeworth through the color purple on his shirt.

Poor Megumi.

Interpret this as Megushua or whatever the heck you kids are calling it these days and you shall be punished accordingly. Megumi is simply too awesome to be a pedo. Joshua is quite clearly in love with Stephani Germanotta. You know it to be true.

Joshua has probably never had a girlfriend. I mean, there's a bunch of girls who like him, but they like him for the "yaoi appeal" or something. I imagine that hurts him deeply, so he stays away from the wretched things. Not that I can blame him. Some girls are just annoying. And Joshy is far too proud to go on a blind date like Mr. H wants him too. He'd rather just make idle conversation with Shiki and Eri, drop a snarky comment here and there, and then slowly die inside as he watches them mentally ship him with Neku. Shiki resents him, but why? WHY? She's the yaoi fangirl, after all! Wait...is she...jealous?

Joshua: Of what? My proxy? Yes, my proxy is a good proxy. He cleans the floor aquarium for me.

Neku: *arises from the deep* GASP. Guh...um, Josh? Can I go home now?

Joshua: NOT UNTIL EVERY SPECK OF ALGAE IS GONE, THOSE ARE THE TERMS WE AGREED UPON. GET BACK TO YOUR SCRUBBING.

Neku: Aw, man...I am never betting with you again...*sploosh*

Joshua: Mind the filters! MIND THE FILTERS, oh, Neku, you're doing it _wrong_, gaah...*stomps around, irritated* My poor fishies...

Piranha Noise: *picturing Neku's toes as tater tots* :9


End file.
